I've Been Changing: A Pregnancy Perspective

08/25/26
Lying in bed stiff as a board, staring at all the faces that appear in the ceiling now. I’m in so much pain; I am repeatedly saying, “It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re okay.” The scene from Phantom Thread where Daniel Day-Lewis’s character is sick in bed, hallucinating that his mother appears, comes to mind. It feels like my body is slipping away from me; it scares me and feels like I actually will not come back.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum
Considering I had never heard of it before, I will explain: HG is a severe pregnancy complication characterized by extreme, persistent nausea and vomiting, weight loss, and dehydration that goes far beyond typical morning sickness. It is commonly caused by hormonal changes and a genetic sensitivity to the hormone GDF15. Severe complications can involve inpatient care, IV fluids, prescription antiemetics, or, in rare instances, tube feeding.

 

09/10/26
For me, the symptoms began around week 5: extreme acid reflux, indigestion, constipation, nausea 24/7, lethargy, fatigue, with severe vomiting and aversions starting around week 7 and lasting until about week 15. My body developed shaking as a means of self-soothing, I believe, so I was always shaking or humming involuntarily, especially after a big vomit episode.

I made frequent visits to the hospital to get IV fluids and medication due to dehydration and the inability to eat. I lost close to 10 pounds in two months and was so ill I could barely brush my teeth; my lips cracked constantly from dryness, and my mental state was at an all-time low. I tried acupuncture, every herbal anti-nausea remedy, and countless drugs I was prescribed that, in the end, often made matters worse or really didn’t help at all. I still vomited until I physically could not anymore (while peeing my pants at the same time) at 16 weeks, but it was only one day that week, and that is a win. I am one of the lucky ones; I have hard days where I get depressed from how awful I feel, but I have good days too that help me balance it out now. Many women have to suffer the worst of it throughout their entire pregnancies, and I hold them in my thoughts every day.

 

Let’s Talk About It
Morning sickness is a lie – it can happen anytime, it can happen all the time, it could not happen at all. We see enough parental/body/femme perfection online every day, and the more we hide the reality and the nuance, the more it goes unnoticed or gets dismissed as just another “normal” difficulty when things get bad. Periods, endometriosis, pregnancy, age of pregnancy, postpartum depression, perimenopause, menopause – the list goes on for uterus-bearing people. 

Sex Ed taught me nothing, so let’s talk about it, let’s bring awareness to this understudied subject, and maybe help someone going through the same thing feel a little less alone or like they will be in this dark place forever. I’ve read stories of women who had seemingly “easy” pregnancies and hated the experience, ones who absolutely loved every minute, and ones who tried so hard to get pregnant through IVF only to wish they never had due to Hyperemesis. Every experience is unique, and it’s only human to feel these emotions in times of uncertainty. It is so important to have support; I don’t know how I would have survived without my husband, my community, Reddit support groups, or the hyperemesis website.

 

I Feel More Profoundly Pro-Choice Than Ever After Becoming Pregnant
To every woman and uterus-bearing person who is going through, or has gone through, this alone, with or without HG, my heart and support are with you. To every woman and uterus-bearing person who has had to, or has to, do this against their will – my heart, my support, and my rage are with you. 

This pregnancy was and IS very much wanted by my partner, and I and we are so grateful that we were able to conceive, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to quit many times throughout those first 15 weeks. I felt lucky that I could make that choice if I needed to. Remember: this is your body, not your partner’s or your family’s; it’s yours, and you have the right to feel safe in your health and your choices.

Nothing will enrage you more than becoming pregnant and seeing firsthand how the American medical system cares for people who bring life to this planet and how little research has been done to help treat the complications that come with it. I know this subject is complex. How do you test on pregnant women without potential harm to them or their baby? I don’t know, but there must be someone smarter than me who does, no? Can you imagine if cis men went through this? Me either. Male-pattern baldness still triumphs in funding over women’s health in general, and black women still die at a rate 3.5 times higher than non-black women during childbirth. It is a privilege to be able to educate yourself about systemic oppression rather than experience it yourself – I am not happy with my care or the bills that have piled up, but it is a privilege to have any care at all.

 

Right Now
I am almost through my second trimester now, and everything is changing every single day: how to drink, how to eat, how to focus, how to let go, and how to clothe my ever-evolving body. But my God, I’m so grateful to be carrying this baby. I love her so much; I feel so powerful, I feel so vulnerable, I feel like I could fight a bear if it attempted to harm another woman or child in my presence. If you had asked me this at 18 weeks, would I have said the same? I’m not so sure. I had so many ideas about what pregnancy and motherhood would look like. Now, I feel so confident in throwing all of that out the window and being present for the ride, the reality, and the ability to still choose myself and my happiness while pouring into another.

Please be kind; you truly never know what people are going through. Think of others, give up your seat, be gentle, listen, advocate.

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If you are pregnant and looking for support, solidarity, or further insight, check out www.hyperemesis.org and www.reddit.com/r/HyperemesisGravidarum.

Please reach out to your health care provider as soon as you can regarding any mental health issues during pregnancy, and if they do not offer you immediate support, demand it. For those without health insurance who are looking for mental health support, please call or text the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline 24/7 at 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262). You are not alone.